belovan

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The unexpected…

It’s been one of those weeks that makes you very thankful for what you have.  A family friend I have known since childhood (I’m 50) was in a very bad accident.  He is in a coma.  We are praying for a miracle while bracing for what looks to be the loss of our loved one.  This alone would be enough to shake anyone.

Four days later someone else close … a grandmother was in an accident with her three grand children and one of their friends. The children were air lifted to the hospital.  We are thankful they are all alive.  Injuries are bad but with time they will all heal.  It could have been so much worse … as our other friend fights for his life we know this all to well.

After hearing all of this … I woke up this morning to hear about the shooting in Colorado.  People went to a movie … and died or were injured.  How can a  person not take a moment to be thankful for all they have.  Right now.  Today.

I know there are things in my life I would like to change.  But honestly as I sit here thinking about life I have it so much better then many.  I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, clothes on my back and a family that loves me.

Recently, my family hasn’t been getting together as often as we use to.  We haven’t had a family barbecue in a very long time.  Maybe it is time to gather together and just be with each other.  To enjoy the blessings life has given us and to remember that love.

Hug the people around you.  Be thankful for the time you have together so that when the time comes … you can look back and smile.

Thank you Papa for giving me that gift.  I can look back, remember being very loved, and smile.

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Life is a balance

I’ve been thinking about life.  Past, Present and Future.

When I was a child.  I was easily upset and emotional.  I had to learn to control my emotions instead of letting them control me.  (hard to do sometimes, even now as an adult)  I had things happen to me that were stressful as we all do.  But, I let those things control me far too long.  I let them keep me in a state of sadness and sometimes anger.    It took me a long time to understand that I allowed these feelings inside of me.  That only I decide when to be angry, hurt or afraid.  I can accept what is going on in my life and deal with it or I can reject it and fill myself with negative emotions.  I choose to live in the light now.

When I was a young girl.  I dreamed of love.  I dreamed of the man that would come and take care of me like my Daddy did.  He never came.  Maybe that is because every man I met I compared to my father.  I didn’t realize that a father’s love for his daughter is different then the love he has for a mate.  I didn’t realize that when you are in an adult relationship the dynamics are different.  It took me awhile to learn that I am the creator of my life.  No one else is responsible for me or my happiness.  I found the light and rejoice in it.

When I was a young woman.  I made many mistakes in search of perfection.  I never found it.  Not in myself nor in those around me.  I was frustrated that the world was not as I thought it should be…perfect.  The world just is…good, bad and indifferent at times.  It is the acceptance of all that is, as it is that brings the light.  It is the acceptance that allows us to see that we need to move beyond.

When I was a woman…I looked at my children and wanted it all for them.  I wanted them to have an easy life.  Always full of smiles.  But that is not what they or anyone else has because it is not realistic.  It is when we learn to embrace life, the losses and the gains that we truly appreciate the life we have.  We learn lessons from the hard times in life and grow in understanding.  Just as a rock becomes polished from constant wear.  We too become polished in life as we grow older and wiser from the challenges in life we have had to over come.

As a middle aged woman.  I’m learning to share what I’ve learned.  To believe in my knowledge and to help other’s attain all that they can be at the moment.  For we are all on the journey of life in different stages and different levels of understanding.  Patience is very important when you are dealing with people that just don’t understand.

I think the hardest thing for me to face is I have not lived my life according to my beliefs but allowed my husband to dictate who I would be instead.  I don’t do that anymore.  I still listen to him and remember to think of him too but I choose my beliefs.  Now, I can start to live as I should have all along.  As ME.

When Life Knocks You Down

It is times like these I feel myself getting older.  The joints hurt etc.  But when life brings challenges you just have to find tools to deal with them.  I often hear the words, “I can’t” before the person has every tried.  I hear, “I don’t like that.” when they have never really tried it.  It amazes me how fast people will give up on something just because they don’t want to take the time to find a solution or they “think” they won’t like it.  Or maybe someone put the idea in to their heads.  Whatever the reason they miss out on a lot of life.  How do I know?  Because I use to be one of those people.  I’m not proud of that fact but I’m proof a person can change.  

Now when I have challenges like now, I look for solutions.  So I can’t walk very far…okay, I got a wheelchair!  So I have arthritis, I learned about it.  I avoid things that aggravate it and make sure I move everyday so I don’t freeze up.  There are even foods and things I can use to help.  Don’t give up…look for what you can do.  Look for answers.  Educate yourself.  In today’s age there is no excuse.  We have the internet!  This resource has brought even more then a library of information to our finger tips.  We just have to use it.  I know I’ve learned more from the internet and cable TV then I ever did at school.  But I love to learn.  In my spare time I love to learn new things.

I remember when I was a child I hated history.  Now I love it and watch many show on different subjects in history.  When I was a child I didn’t like science.  Now the science channel is one of my favorite channels.  Things change.  My attitude changed.  I’ve learned the value of things I once thought unimportant.  Whenever, I read something that upsets me now I investigate.  Most of the time it is a lie or a half truth.  It amazes me that our news is no longer objective and we need to go looking for the truth.  There are so many people out there that believe things that just aren’t true because they don’t want to take the time to investigate.  It really doesn’t take that long to check the fact checking sites.  Actually, now a days it is better to go there BEFORE you listen to the news sites or stations.  And don’t go to just one fact checking site.  Go to a few because they can sometimes miss things and you want a balance opinion.  It is a matter of being informed with REAL facts so you can make informed decisions and votes.  I love the internet because I’m not dependent on these bias news stations and sites.  I can do my own investigation.  

Basically, I’ve learned to use the tools available to solve the problems of your life.  My life fell apart but before it did I was given a good foundation to build on and I’m grateful for that.  I’m growing a lot recently.  That is a good thing.  Life is growth.  Life is change.  Life is exciting and full of surprises.  I’m learning to embrace them. 

I write here because it helps cement what I’m learning.  Sometimes I backslide and this helps me stay focused.  If it helps someone else…great!  I guess in life all we can do is our best at the time…then we need to forgive mistakes and move on…that’s what I’m doing.

June 28, 2012

I’ve started going out again without my husband.  Taking my grand daughter to the movies for the first time in my wheelchair was an adventure and I found it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be before I left.  We went to a place I had not been in a while so I wasn’t sure what kind of access I would have with the chair.  I had a little trouble getting up the ramp area to the theaters but my sister and grand daughter had no problem pushing me the short distance up the ramp.  

I’m lucky because I can walk some, just not very far.  I can’t stand in long lines,  I can’t walk great distances so I have to take the chair now for anything where that might happen.  When there is a problem I can’t get around I can stand and “walk” my chair like a walker.  I get some strange looks when I get up and walk sometimes if they haven’t seen me walking yet.  I guess they wonder why I need a chair if I can walk.  I wish I could get a shirt that said, I can’t walk far so I ride!  LOL

I wish I could watch the new show push girls.  They aren’t like me in many ways but at least they show people that those of us that use chairs are just people.  Living our lives on wheels.

My biggest worry right now is my right shoulder.  I fell about a month ago and it still hurts.  It makes it hard sometimes to wheel myself.  I use my legs a lot to move short distances and then pick them up and roll with my arms pushing for farther away locations.  But the ramps are hard for me.  I just can’t do it.

My grandson came to visit for almost a week.  I had fun taking him fishing with my husband, son and two of my grand daughters.  Then I took two grand kids to the movies ALONE.  Just me and the kids :-).  We did great!  They were very helpful and patient with my needs.  Then I took them to the store and out to eat.  I’m amazed at how freeing this has been.  I was staying home because I didn’t want to deal with the chair.  The new attitude has really helped me enjoy more of life again.

I’m looking forward to finding more things to do, I don’t have to sit home alone! 

June 11, 2012

In my entire life there has been only one person I could depend on without question…my father.  Over the years he gave so much to me in so many ways.  Financially, he supported me and bailed me out when I would screw up.  Emotionally, he would listen to me without judgement and give me the best advice he could (and it was almost always the best advice)  Intellectually, he gave me a thirst for knowledge and understanding that has helped me become the person I am today.  This year I lost him.  I feel…lost in a sea of fear.  When I start to cry and get emotional I try to think of something else but it is hard.  It has now been six months since he died.  I have yet to fully morn…to let go and feel the pain.  I know this is true because whenever I start to, I have to stop myself because I’m afraid I will never be able to stop crying once I start.  I will lose control completely and then what?

I must find a way to learn to be my own safety net and guide.  There is no one else I can depend on to do it for me any longer.  I know my husband says he loves me but he also often hurts me with his words and actions.  I know my mother loves me but she isn’t able to “take care” of me.  I know my sister loves me but it is not her job to take care of me.  It is mine.  

I’m 50 years old and just now learning to grow up and take responsibility for my life.  To accept it is MY choices that make the difference.  Father taught me well.  He gave me the tools I need to succeed but I have a problem with action…with following through.  I have trouble with structure and organization.   Papa told me that it is not the problems I have in life but how I deal with them that matter.  It is time to take his wisdom and the wisdom of the teachers he introduced me to and take action.  I’m scared.  It doesn’t matter.  Now…I must do.

This blog will be about my journey.  My journey of growth, enlightenment and choices.  Lets see where life leads me next.

Introduction

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes I will be reborn.  The question is when the birth is done…who will I be?  Join me on my journey as I find a new way to live.