belovan

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Month: June, 2012

June 28, 2012

I’ve started going out again without my husband.  Taking my grand daughter to the movies for the first time in my wheelchair was an adventure and I found it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be before I left.  We went to a place I had not been in a while so I wasn’t sure what kind of access I would have with the chair.  I had a little trouble getting up the ramp area to the theaters but my sister and grand daughter had no problem pushing me the short distance up the ramp.  

I’m lucky because I can walk some, just not very far.  I can’t stand in long lines,  I can’t walk great distances so I have to take the chair now for anything where that might happen.  When there is a problem I can’t get around I can stand and “walk” my chair like a walker.  I get some strange looks when I get up and walk sometimes if they haven’t seen me walking yet.  I guess they wonder why I need a chair if I can walk.  I wish I could get a shirt that said, I can’t walk far so I ride!  LOL

I wish I could watch the new show push girls.  They aren’t like me in many ways but at least they show people that those of us that use chairs are just people.  Living our lives on wheels.

My biggest worry right now is my right shoulder.  I fell about a month ago and it still hurts.  It makes it hard sometimes to wheel myself.  I use my legs a lot to move short distances and then pick them up and roll with my arms pushing for farther away locations.  But the ramps are hard for me.  I just can’t do it.

My grandson came to visit for almost a week.  I had fun taking him fishing with my husband, son and two of my grand daughters.  Then I took two grand kids to the movies ALONE.  Just me and the kids :-).  We did great!  They were very helpful and patient with my needs.  Then I took them to the store and out to eat.  I’m amazed at how freeing this has been.  I was staying home because I didn’t want to deal with the chair.  The new attitude has really helped me enjoy more of life again.

I’m looking forward to finding more things to do, I don’t have to sit home alone! 

June 11, 2012

In my entire life there has been only one person I could depend on without question…my father.  Over the years he gave so much to me in so many ways.  Financially, he supported me and bailed me out when I would screw up.  Emotionally, he would listen to me without judgement and give me the best advice he could (and it was almost always the best advice)  Intellectually, he gave me a thirst for knowledge and understanding that has helped me become the person I am today.  This year I lost him.  I feel…lost in a sea of fear.  When I start to cry and get emotional I try to think of something else but it is hard.  It has now been six months since he died.  I have yet to fully morn…to let go and feel the pain.  I know this is true because whenever I start to, I have to stop myself because I’m afraid I will never be able to stop crying once I start.  I will lose control completely and then what?

I must find a way to learn to be my own safety net and guide.  There is no one else I can depend on to do it for me any longer.  I know my husband says he loves me but he also often hurts me with his words and actions.  I know my mother loves me but she isn’t able to “take care” of me.  I know my sister loves me but it is not her job to take care of me.  It is mine.  

I’m 50 years old and just now learning to grow up and take responsibility for my life.  To accept it is MY choices that make the difference.  Father taught me well.  He gave me the tools I need to succeed but I have a problem with action…with following through.  I have trouble with structure and organization.   Papa told me that it is not the problems I have in life but how I deal with them that matter.  It is time to take his wisdom and the wisdom of the teachers he introduced me to and take action.  I’m scared.  It doesn’t matter.  Now…I must do.

This blog will be about my journey.  My journey of growth, enlightenment and choices.  Lets see where life leads me next.

Introduction

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes I will be reborn.  The question is when the birth is done…who will I be?  Join me on my journey as I find a new way to live.