June 11, 2012

by belovan

In my entire life there has been only one person I could depend on without question…my father.  Over the years he gave so much to me in so many ways.  Financially, he supported me and bailed me out when I would screw up.  Emotionally, he would listen to me without judgement and give me the best advice he could (and it was almost always the best advice)  Intellectually, he gave me a thirst for knowledge and understanding that has helped me become the person I am today.  This year I lost him.  I feel…lost in a sea of fear.  When I start to cry and get emotional I try to think of something else but it is hard.  It has now been six months since he died.  I have yet to fully morn…to let go and feel the pain.  I know this is true because whenever I start to, I have to stop myself because I’m afraid I will never be able to stop crying once I start.  I will lose control completely and then what?

I must find a way to learn to be my own safety net and guide.  There is no one else I can depend on to do it for me any longer.  I know my husband says he loves me but he also often hurts me with his words and actions.  I know my mother loves me but she isn’t able to “take care” of me.  I know my sister loves me but it is not her job to take care of me.  It is mine.  

I’m 50 years old and just now learning to grow up and take responsibility for my life.  To accept it is MY choices that make the difference.  Father taught me well.  He gave me the tools I need to succeed but I have a problem with action…with following through.  I have trouble with structure and organization.   Papa told me that it is not the problems I have in life but how I deal with them that matter.  It is time to take his wisdom and the wisdom of the teachers he introduced me to and take action.  I’m scared.  It doesn’t matter.  Now…I must do.

This blog will be about my journey.  My journey of growth, enlightenment and choices.  Lets see where life leads me next.